Everybody knows a woman who has a C-section is just taking the easy way out of labor and childbirth. In fact, many go so far as to say she didn’t really give birth at all. If a woman can get pregnant, she can give birth naturally. It’s science.
Women who have C-sections are just choosing not to give birth the right way. Which is why, if you’ve chosen to have a C-section (because it’s always a choice) instead of breaking your vagina by passing a baby through it, you haven’t actually given birth. You’ve taken the easy way out. And you’re also not a real woman.
Real women break their vaginas the way God intended.
I should know because I am also not a real woman. I took the easy way out. I chose to have three c-sections, and let me tell you, they were each a cakewalk.
To be fair, I tried to let my first baby break my vagina. I really did. But his damn head was so big, he couldn’t fit past my pelvis, and after fourteen hours of hard labor, the doctor stepped in, spent an hour elbow-deep in my honey pot trying to make way for the baby, and concluded I was definitely not a real woman.
She and her team wheeled me back to the operating room—that’s where women who aren’t real go to “give birth”—and delivered that baby themselves. And I was like, THANK GOD, because here I had suffered through a day’s worth of excruciating labor, and finally, someone recognized I wasn’t real and offered me the easy way out.
Whew. That was a close one. I almost had to do it the hard way. (Because there can only be one hard way to do something. Everybody also knows that.)
The second time I chose to have a C-section, my baby was macrosomic, and on the advice of a different doctor who also recognized I wasn’t real, I scheduled my surgery for a week before my due date. The doctor determined that if the first baby wouldn’t fit through my vagina without breaking it, neither would this one.
Unfortunately, my second baby mistook me for a real woman and decided he wanted to be born before my scheduled c-section date, so off to the hospital I went, where I waited four hours in hard labor until an operating room opened up, suffered through a traumatic surgery where there were complications, and couldn’t visit my baby in the NICU because I had to remain tied to my hospital bed after surgery.
It was so easy! Not being a real woman is definitely the way to go.
The third time I chose to have a c-section, I wound up in the hospital at thirty-six weeks because the baby and I were both tachycardic and I was experiencing non-progressive labor. (Non-progressive labor is my jam.)
I spent a week there, where I enjoyed all kinds of easy stuff like not being allowed to eat solid foods, blowing up like a pufferfish from being hooked to an IV for seven days, and enduring contractions that lasted up to twenty-five minutes each before the baby finally reached the magical thirty-seven week mark and they had to take him out of me via c-section.
At first, I was super bummed that the party was over. It was so easy that I wanted it to last forever, this puking into kidney-shaped bed pans and being awoken every hour from what little sleep I was already getting to change positions in order to help the baby’s heart rate.
But then my disappointment turned to elation. I was tickled because just when I thought my run at taking the easy way out was over, I got to spend FOUR HOURS in an operating room while the doctors hack-sawed their way through my scar tissue and the nurse anesthetist placed alcohol swabs under my nose so I didn’t have to endure the smell of my own burning flesh as they repeatedly cauterized my exposed innards.
Gosh, I really miss those days. But the time has come to admit to what many already know: having a c-section is taking the easy way out. It’s not childbirth; it’s vacation. And we had a good run while it lasted.
So ladies, if you, like me, are not real women and chose to take the easy way out with a c-section or three, the jig is up. Everybody’s on to us. Might as well follow my lead and own it.
Delhi-Based Couple’s Wedding Invite Is Going Viral..Here’s Why
A Delhi-based couple has decided to invite people to their wedding with their hatke invitations and it’s going viral on Twitter.
Marriage is a union of two people, who begin a new lease of life by taking vows and making their way into a beautiful commitment! To celebrate the unison, an extravagant affair is planned that last for almost a week. And when it comes to Indian weddings, people sometimes go the extra mile to make their D-day memorable. A Delhi-based couple is the latest addition to the list, who decided to invite people to their wedding with their hatke invitations.
Twitter handle, @Stuprous_doctor, a short while ago tweeted the images of a trendy wedding invite, said to be that of Suresh Kumar and Vidhya Priyanka BD, and Twitterati just lost it. Molded in the form of an iPhone, allegedly created by Kumar’s cousin, the invites is generating a hype for its interesting design. In accordance to a BuzzFeed report, Kumar said that despite the fact that theirs was an arranged marriage, it was speedy to bloom into love and they wanted to publicize their big decision in a “weird, quirky way” to the world.
Meet this lucky man who gets paid to have s3x with prostitutes
‘John’ is 60, divorced, and gets paid to have s3x with prostitutes. Well, “more often than not it’s just a handjob” he says.
He is one of several private investigators being hired in Australia as ‘brothel busters’, who pose as regular customers in order to unearth illegal s3x work.
“I’m pretty sure plenty of fellas would be a bit envious of how I’m earning a bit of pocket money from time to time,” he told news.com.au, replying when asked whether it was a good retirement gig: “Oh, most definitely.”
His job is necessary because authorities have little power to access premises without a court order, making it difficult to bust the brothels posing as massage parlours that are ubiquitous in New South Wales.
John can provide them with highly graphic detail about the services on offer however, filing reports that can run for up to three pages and include dates, times, people, places, who, what, when, where and how much.
“It’s a document that will be used in court, so it has to be pretty detailed and very accurate. It’s not something you can waddle off in a couple of minutes,” he said.
More often than not, he claims, the parlours are fronts.
“If you looked hard enough, you might be able to find a massage parlour that doesn’t offer s3xual services,” he said. “In my experience there have only been three premises where I have gone in and not been offered that service some time during the course of the treatment.”
John notes that while some offer intercourse which he obligingly accepts, “more often than not it’s just a handjob. They just want to get it over and done with and get the next one in.”
Lachlan Jarvis, managing director of private investigation firm Lyonswood, is in charge of hiring undercover s3x investigators.
“We prefer people who are single, and obviously they have to be willing to undertake s3xual activity,” he told news.com.au.
“It’s not your typical nine-to-five, Monday-to-Friday job,” he said. “There are no time constraints, and there’s never been a stage where I’ve felt threatened or worried about my safety.”
Once She was a Shepherd Girl In Morocco, Now France’s Education Minister! Inspirational Story.
Once A Shepherd Girl In Morocco, Najat Vallaud-Belkacem Is Now France’s Education Minister!
Everybody dreams of making it big in life but very few determined souls really act upon it. The story of Najat Vallaud-Belkacem is a testament to this, who overcame all the obstacles life laid at her feet and carved her own destiny.
Once a shepherd girl of four – who fetched water from the well – Najat moved to France with her family and faced the real world full of opportunities as well as struggles. The Moroccan girl who had no proficiency in French learnt the language by the end of her first year in college.
“The fact of leaving one’s country, one’s family, one’s root can be painful, my father had already found his place, but for us, for my mother, it was very difficult to get our bearings.”
Najat inherited hard work and resourcefulness from her father who laid strict rules for his daughters – no boys and no nightclubs till the age of 18. As a result, the girls completely surrendered themselves to studies.
Najat’s sister, Fatiha, is a lawyer in Paris.
While studying at the University of Amiens, Najat got the opportunity to pursue higher education with the prestigious Institut d’études politiques de (also known as Sciences Po). This set her on the path winding the political landscape in France.
Najat worked two jobs to take the financial load off her parents while pursuing her Master’s in Public Administration. It is during this time she met Boris Vallaud, a fellow student, and the two married in 2005.
Najat’s political career began with her joining the Socialist Party as an adviser to the mayor of Lyon. She later ran for elections and won the seat of the Councillor. In 2012, she was appointed as the Minister of Women’s Affairs by François Hollande, the then Socialist president.
In 2014, she served as the Minister of Women’s Right, Minister of City Affairs, Minister of Youth Affairs and Sports. In a major cabinet shuffle, she was promoted to serve as the Minister of Education. While advising the youth who want to participate in the country’s politics, Najat said, “I have always advised the youths to get involved in politics. The best way to be happy with your future is by playing a part in it. If you’re just a spectator of collective fate, you’re bound to feel frustrated.”
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